The Career Struggle of a Military Spouse
There are a number of things you can’t possibly prepare for or foresee when it comes to military life. Sure, I knew we’d move frequently and my husband would be gone a lot. Comes with the territory, right? Got it. I’ve had enough people remind me that “I signed up for this” to ever be able to forget. But what you can’t predict is how it’s going to make you feel and the toll it will take. Saying goodbye to friends, being unable to apply for that dream job because you’re moving again in 6 months, everything always being so temporary. It’s not easy. And nobody can pretend otherwise.
My husband and I talked a lot about what I should expect before I moved and we got married, and I read so much about military life. I felt like I at least had some inkling of what was to come. And to some degree, I did. He was gone a lot, I couldn’t work and we moved frequently. All the things I’d been told would happen.
What I hadn’t expected was my reaction to all of this. I’m quite a laid back person, I don’t like fixed plans, instead I enjoy going with the flow. I’m happy pottering around, meeting up with friends and learning new skills, such as taking a Spanish class. So I didn’t really foresee too many issues. But how wrong I was! I am a professional woman who graduated from a top tier UK university. I worked for years to get into this school and spent many hours in the library working for my degree, ultimately graduating with a 3.8 GPA. I didn’t do all of this to end up a stay-at-home wife. I found myself with nothing to do, no way of using the skills I had learnt and a husband that was rarely home. It’s a tough combination. All things in life are temporary, however, and I knew this too would pass. Which it did, and a PCS move later we’re at a new duty station where I am, indeed able to work. The catch, now, is that we’re only staying for 6 months. What job can I find for 6 months? So, again, I wait. I wait for the next move, the next opportunity, my husband to get home, new doors to open. Always waiting, waiting, waiting.
At our previous duty station, spouses were last in line for most things. Need a dental appointment? Good luck. Soldiers have priority. But don’t complain because you’re lucky to get healthcare on post. You’re caught between a rock and a hard place. You’re not a soldier but you need to support mission readiness. Which means being last in line for health appointments to give priority to soldiers and facing other difficulties with admin offices such as drivers’ training. And as for most errands on post, the soldier needs to be present. So either you need a power of attorney to cover pretty much everything you can think of, or you’ll need to to be accompanied to most places. This drastically changes your self-identity and sense of independence. By the time we left, I felt as though I was not allowed to go anywhere without a chaperone.
All of this waiting,seeing opportunities pass you by and never being able to do anything alone really batters your confidence. I’ve been a stay-at-home wife for almost 2 years now. I’ve had no real responsibilities and very little opportunity. What do I have to offer the world? Now I am in a position to establish somewhat of a career, I find I’m doubting myself at every turn. “Why apply to that job, I’m clearly never going to get it?”. “What am I supposed to write on my cover letter? I haven’t done anything!” This isn’t true, of course. I am a blogger and a languages tutor. I DO have experience. But it’s hard to shake the mentality that comes with always being at the back of the line.
Talking about personal goals is so important, despite often being overlooked. I love my husband to the ends of this earth, but I’m not being greedy when I say I need more than just him to feel wholly happy. I am me, Nicola. With or without my husband, I am the linguist who loves to write and study politics. I need my hobbies and interests too. But, it's hard to have both. Feeling unfulfilled and confused about the road ahead is normal. Figuring out a way of having your career, practicing your hobbies and spending time with your husband is extremely difficult for all of us. Each spouse takes their own path and just because they may seem super together and like they have it all under control doesn’t mean they do. So what we need to do is practice kindness. We should look out for one another as we are the only ones who truly understand.
So, be nice to your fellow military spouse. It isn’t a competition. It’s not about who has visited the most countries or who has the nicest home. And don’t beat yourself up if you’re struggling to get back on your feet after a difficult duty station or a particularly quiet period. You might not have expected the struggle but, it too, will pass. And don’t forget about your own goals and your sense of self. You are your greatest advocate. Take the opportunities as they come and don’t fret when they don't. Keep putting yourself out there even when you’re lacking the confidence. Military life takes its toll and I think we all feel less sure about our capabilities at times, even those of us who don’t like to show it.